Top Tips for Wearing a Pluto Costume
Words by Ryan Croker
If you’ve been hired to impersonate Disney’s premiere canine character, congratulations! You are now one of the elitest of the elite. This is the role of a lifetime and one that will catapult you into a whole new world of wealth and acclaim. In fact, previous Plutos have gone on to be Prime Ministers, CEOs, celebrity chefs, and Arkansas Supreme Court Justices. Perks aside, being Pluto is a sacred trust. You are the embodiment of all that is good and wholesome about the Disney corporation. Failure to live up to the high Pluto standards is a betrayal of the entire human race. So, in order to help you avoid failure and be the best Pluto you can be, here are a few tips:
1. Wear Underwear
People love to give Pluto a wedgie. You’ll probably be wedgied a dozen times a day. If a Disneyland patron grasps your waist and pulls only to find no resistance, their look of disappointment will linger in your soul for thousands of years. If you have any scrap of compassion for your fellow humans, you will wear some form of underwear underneath your costume.
2. Learn the Charleston
Some people to come to Disneyland are fans of 1920’s dancing. If one of them commands you to dance the Charleston, you must do it, according to Disneyland law. Learn it now before you are forced to reveal your lack of knowledge and suffer imprisonment in Goofy’s torture chamber.
3. Divest Your Financial Portfolio
Never keep your eggs in one basket. You never know when the next financial crisis will hit and a good Pluto always keeps at least 20% in real estate, 20% in bonds, and 60% in baseball cards.
4. Clean Your Ears
Bacteria hide in there and that’s gross!
5. Stay in Character
Pluto is a deeply complex character and one that requires total commitment to play. If you forget who you are for one second and start into a Shakespearean sonnet or start throwing out quotes from Tron, everything is ruined. If you have to, keep a card that says “Pluto” taped to the inside of your mask. Some Plutos even play a special audio track that repeats over and over, “You are Pluto. You are Pluto. There are no other Plutos. You are Pluto.”