OCTOGENARIANS GRIPPED IN HEATED COMPETITION TO HIT TENNIS BALL OVER NET
Words by Aron Simkins
Tempe, AZ – Despite the sweltering summer heat, Bob Crandon, 78, took to the court for a spirited game of tennis with long-time friend, Lewis Maxwell, 82.
The game, which lasted a remarkable hour and thirty-two minutes in total, resulted in an exhausting series of double faults as neither were able to clear the ball over the net at any point during the marathon match. “At first I thought it was cute,” remarked on-looker Cheryl Bodine, “but then I started to feel bad. I mean, those two were putting all the strength their frail bodies could muster into hitting that tennis ball, only to have it dribble off their rackets like a wet sock.”
Although there wasn’t much talent on display, that didn’t seem to hold Crandon and Maxwell back from flailing about in a shameful display of coordination and agility. “It was ridiculous, really. They looked like a pair of those wavy-armed inflatables you see at car dealerships or sidewalk sales,” commented Justin Tiebold, a park facilities employee. “And it only made it harder to watch when you considered that, at any moment, one of them might die.”
Other park visitors, however, were clearly more aggravated by the activity on display in court 2. “I’ve been coming to this park for months,” griped Kyle Stevenson, an area high school tennis team member hoping to qualify for regionals. “It’s bad enough they’re playing on the court I typically use, but the fact that they’re playing in full, one-piece coveralls is absurd. One was even wearing a bolo tie and tasseled loafers. They obviously don’t take the sport serious.” It is uncertain if this was a one-time occurrence or if the two old men intend to sandwich it into their daily routine between fussing with the thermostat and using claw grabbers to reach the television remote.