Welcome to Heaven
Words by Aron Simkins
Art by Aron Simkins
Oh no, you died!
Just kidding. Well, not about you being dead. I mean about breaking the ice with that death joke. We simply find it helps ease the transition into the hereafter. But seriously, welcome to Washington DC! I’ll bet you have lots of questions, starting with why I just called this place Washington DC—Washington Deus Celestial, actually. But don’t let the name throw you. This place has very little in common with your Washington DC, aside from the politics, greed and crime. I’m kidding again! Good heavens, you’re wound tight. For real though, this place is quite divine.
You see, way back in the early eternities, this was the hot spot in the cosmos. People planned their whole lives around retiring here. But recently, we ran into an unexpected reputation issue thanks to some unfortunate name confusion down on Earth. Anyway, the Big Guy decided to bring in an outside marketing team and resurrect this place to its classic status as the ultimate destination location, and wouldn’t you know, ‘Heaven’ tested through the roof. So, relax, champ. You made it to the home of everlasting rest. The only thing you’re a victim of is good marketing, and according to your transfer papers—holy crap—killed in a trash compactor accident! Sorry about that wound tight comment.
Bottom line, Washington DC really is the glorious, heavenly paradise as advertised. I mean, the cherry blossoms in spring are a must-see. I’m joking again! Don’t get your robes in a bunch. Anyway, I’m just required to run every new-comer through this name clarification spiel, so they don’t panic, thinking they got sent to the other place. You know, Detroit.
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah. Trash compactor.