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River Runs

Words by Aron Simkins
Art by Ashton Simkins
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Alright boys! Who’s ready for some white-water fun? Runnin’ the river is exhilarating! But it can also be dangerous. So, first things first. Life jackets must be worn at all times. If you don’t have one, just find someone who does and hang on tight. Seriously, though. Everyone needs a jacket. Next, I need to know who packed the lil’ smokies in your lunch cooler. I think an animal must have snuck in there and ate them. Also, everyone should probably use the ol’ Johnny house before we go.


Okay boys. Thanks for waiting. As I was saying, the rapids can be quite swift—which reminds me, did everyone have a chance to turn in their waiver form? Tell you what, why don’t you take a minute to finish filling them out while I run back to the ol’ moon room and, uh, check the T-P situation. Might be gettin’ low. By the way, did we ever figure out who packed those lil’ smokies?


Geez boys. I’m back. Good thing I checked the toilet paper. Could’ve been a bad scene for someone. Real bad. Like use their socks bad. Now, what do you say we push off? Actually, maybe we’d better warm up with a little light stretching first. After all, mother nature demands respect. Speaking of respect, while you’re reaching for your toes, I’d better run back to the ol’ stink stall and make sure the faucets aren’t running. Hate for them to be going all day because someone packed seemingly-harmless lil’ smokies in a lukewarm cooler. Who even brings lil’ smokies on a river rafting trip anyway?


Ugh, boys. Sorry we’re runnin’ behind. Probably for the better, though. The, uh, river seems to be pretty turbulent today. We sure don’t want anyone having an accident out there. More importantly, what are the chances those lil’ smokies sat out for too long? I mean, maybe someone left ‘em in the sun or something. Just curious. Anyway, be right back.


Boys. I hate to break the bad news, but this river trip’s not happening. Also, it was me. I ate the lil’ smokies. All of them. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be in the ol’ honey bucket.

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