Words by Ryan Croker Art by Erik Dewaal
I Fixed My First Date Jitters Using This One “Weird” Trick!
For as long as I can remember, I have felt a lot of anxiety whenever I am about to go on a first date with someone. Knowing that I have to be on my best behavior, knowing that I have to look good, smell good, use my utensils properly, tip well and make charming small talk is enough to fill my stomach with rampaging butterflies. It even got to the point where I was so nervous about making a good impression, I stopped asking women out entirely. It looked like I would never find love—until I stole the identity of legendary singer/songwriter “Weird “ Al Yankovic.
When I tell a woman on a first date that I am Weird Al, it immediately sets my mind at ease. It gives us SO MUCH to talk about, like Weird Al’s many hilarious song parodies, including “Eat It” and “Like a Surgeon.” We can also talk about what it’s like being a maverick in a music industry that doesn’t always like polka-fused novelty songs. I can have hours of conversations just talking about Weird Al’s early days getting his songs played on the Dr. Demento radio show!
It gets even better when I realize that since I have stolen Weird Al’s identity, I don’t have to worry about what to wear or how to do my hair. Weird Al is known for wearing loud Hawaiian shirts and for having long, frizzy hair. As long as I do those two things, I’m golden.
And don’t get me started on how great it is to have a credit card in Weird Al’s name. I never have to worry about how expensive a restaurant will be or how much I need to tip my waiter. I just put it all on the card and let the real Weird Al worry about it. He probably doesn’t even notice. Rich musicians like him probably have dozens of credit cards!
Since I learned how to steal Weird Al’s identity, I have been dating like crazy—almost to the point where I need to slow down a little. I am also filled with so much confidence that I feel like a new person. It’s a miracle. But here’s the thing: anyone can steal Weird Al’s identity and beat those first date nerves. All it takes is the right attitude and a willingness to go through his garbage cans. If you want a boost to your dating life, try my foolproof method!