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Life Hack Alert: Funeral Expenses

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Words by Ryan Croker      Art by Molly Stringfellow

As everybody knows, funerals are crazy expensive. Not only do you need to buy a plot, you have to buy a tombstone, a coffin, burial clothes, special burial hats, food for guests, and a professional eugolgist to do the whole eulogy thing. One of the biggest headaches of any funeral is tipping the pallbearers. I don’t know where this tradition came from, but at today’s funerals, a pallbearer expects a tip equaling 10% of the total funeral costs!


When you have several pallbearers, this can add up to a lot! The problem is getting worse as the average dead person now weighs a whopping 265 pounds, requiring even more people to lift them. One recent funeral host described how awkward it was when the pallbearers “dumped” the casket in the open grave and immediately held out their hands for cash—before anyone had even cast the first shovelful of dirt!


This is a problem that is really just going to get worse—unless we get rid of pallbearers completely. This seems impossible. Who is going to carry the coffin if not the pallbearers? The answer is simple: nobody. Instead of having greedy jerks carry it, invest in a coffin with wheels. While these are slightly more costly than a traditional coffin, the wheels make it possible to just roll the corpse into the grave. No muss. No fuss.


In today’s economy, it can be necessary to cut funeral costs whenever possible, and this simple solution uses one of mankind’s oldest technologies—the wheel—to eliminate stress and help the little guy to deal with freeloading pallbearers once and for all.

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