Words by Jon Baty Art by Todd Yourbuttfire
Are you sick and tired of walking and/or running to places? Then you need car!
Hi, I’m Todd Yourbuttfire, owner and general manager of Yourbuttfire Car Place. Car has seats for you and your loved ones that hover a few feet off the ground, moving you quickly to wherever you need to go.
The beauty of car is that it comes in a variety of colors, like red, or black, or white, or grayish.
Are you having trouble keeping your hands free of holding things? Look no further! Car will hold your drinks and has space for a lot of food, so that you can finally answer that age-old question, “how do I eat while moving fast?”
And that’s just the beginning of all of the things car can do. Look at what car can do for you!
Carries bodies – alive or dead!
Can’t find a belt? Each car comes with universal sized belts for both men and women!
Too hot? Car blows wind in your face!
—NO MORE SWEAT!
Too cold? Car blows hot wind at your feet!
—MELT YOUR FEET!
You don’t have to wear pants while in car!
Do you want people to only hear the bass of your music? You can do that in car. In fact, each car comes with a free steering drum, so that you can pretend you’re the drummer in your favorite band!
—DRUM AND BASS! THAT’S A THING!
Hate practicing to conceive your next child on the disgusting ground in a park? Do it in car!
—SWEET, SWEET LOVE MAKING!
Car can sit in huge concrete buildings surrounded by other cars!
—NEW CAR FRIENDS!
No more looking back to see who is behind you. Car has a secret mirror that allows you to look at the person behind you, allowing you to say to yourself: “Who is this person? What life do they lead? Do you think they find me attractive? Now they’re picking their nose!” That’s funny to see someone else do what you do all the time but hide the fact that you do it because you’re ashamed.”
LONG EXPLANATION OF HOW YOU ARE LIVING A LONELY LIFE.
Each car comes with a roof, unless you are rich, then you can have a car with no roof!
—WHAT A DOUCHE!
Want to show your love for a favorite sporting team, or who you voted for, or how racist and/or sexist you are? You can now easily display stickers that announce these things on car!
—MAKE AMERICA CAR AGAIN!
Confident in yourself? Try regular sized car! Small in certain areas? Get a bigger car with more smoke blown out!
Only losers walk or ride bikes!
—WHY ARE YOU NOT BUYING CAR!?!?
Come on down and up to Yourbuttfire’s Car Place and get yourself a car. Bad credit? Good credit? No Credit? Yes Credit? Maybe Credit? CAAAARRRR!!!
We’re located on the corner of State and Main, next to the roads! You’ll see our huge sign that says YOURBUTTFIRE CAR!
Warning: car is filled with chemicals that, when exposed to fire, will make car explode, killing all inside and around it. Smoke that blows out of car will destroy environment, causing widespread damage to crops and forests, and can also cause or aggravate health problems.