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Tips for the Perfect Haircut

Words by Simon Styles
Art by Kirsten Spencer
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1.  Pick a place that has either salon, barber, hair or shop on the sign out front. It’s also acceptable if shop is paired with either of the first two words. I made the mistake of going in a hair shop once. The haircut was awful.


2.  Be prepared to make small talk with the homeless guy out front. I don’t know what he’s hanging around for. Obviously not a haircut because that bro’s hair is sick. Not sick like gross, but sick like the kids say. Dreadlocks are rad. He also might be the owner.


3.  Avoid extensions. You came here for a haircut, remember?


4.  Don’t use the booster seat. It adds nothing to the quality of the cut. Just look at the kid sitting in the chair shaped like an airplane. His hair’s sick.


5.  Be sure to order off the secret menu. Ask for Animal Style or the Flying Dutchman, which is just a twist on the classic Dutch Boy hair style but with blunted bangs, an asymmetrical bob in the back and a Jolly Roger instead of a cape. The barber will be impressed and give you a wink.


6.  Stick around for the massage. It doesn’t really add to the quality of the cut, but it’s quite relaxing. If your haircut establishment of choice doesn’t offer this perk, don’t hesitate to locate the comment box.


7.  Ask for the grand opening scissors. Seriously. Go big for once in your life, wuss.


8.  Bring your own chair. Since most barbers have to rent their own, they’re perfectly willing to offer a discount if it means sticking it to dreadlock bro—or whoever runs your favorite hair shop.

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Art by Patrick Witmer
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