The Train Reckoner
Words by Jon Baty Art by Patrick Witmer
Movie Announcer VO: You’ve seen Liam Neeson save his daughter, fight some dudes on a train, captain a battleship, and fight some other dudes on a train, but hold on to your biscuits because—coming in the Spring of 2019—he’s about to take it to the next level.
Liam: I will find you, and I will ruin you.
Movie Announcer VO: He’s up against the most insane drug cartel and they’re all wearing scary clown makeup.
Scary clown #1: Well, look what we have here?
Scary clown #2: Looks like someone wants a little… fun?
Movie Announcer VO: And if that wasn’t bad enough, they’re also members of a secret society with dark ties to the government.
Newspaper guy in hiding: You can’t touch them, man. They’ve got every senator in their pocket.
Liam: Well, it looks like those pockets are about to be filled with lint and loose change.
Movie Announcer VO: The only one that can help him is a boy who has magical powers but doesn’t know how to control them.
Boy: I want to help you, but these powers… I can’t control them.
Liam: I believe in you, and that’s all the power you need.
Boy: So, we’re not going to use my magical powers?
Liam: Oh, we’ll use them alright. We’ll use them to protect my family.
(One of AC/DC’s songs starts playing with some white guy rapping over the top.)
(Quick cut action shots of Liam Neeson kicking a clown in the crotch and then throwing a Chinese star toward his own wife, who looks scared, but the Chinese star just misses, hitting a clown in the face that was standing right behind her.)
Wife: That was close!
Liam: Our therapist said we should do more things together…
(They both smile and continue fighting more clowns.)
Movie Announcer VO: It’s one man against the world… with help from his wife, the wizard kid, and Justin Long, who plays the funny sidekick constantly saying things that resonate with teenagers.
Justin: This can’t be good, right? Every time I see a clown, I poop my pants.
Liam: Well, then I hope you packed an extra pair.
Movie Announcer VO: Did we mention that the main villain is John Malkovich?
Malkovich: WHY. IS. HE. NOT. DEAD. YET?
Movie Announcer VO: Liam Neeson, in all of his Liam Neeson glory—which is pretty good, considering he is 66 years old and probably shouldn’t be jumping and rolling on his back this much.
Liam: As long as there’s life in these bones, I’ll keep fighting dudes on trains.
Movie Announcer VO: Which reminds me, this whole movie takes place on a train. LIAM NEESON IS… THE TRAIN RECKONER. Rated PG-13—so there can be one “f-word” and a lot of violence, but not enough violence and stuff to make it an R rating, because that would hurt sales.