Words by Simon Styles Art by Aaron Rowell
The Night I Almost Kissed
The night I almost kissed Bethany Lancaster—the hottest girl at Dennis Haskins High School—was a solid punch to the bro globes.
It all started when I went to, what I thought was, my first high school party. I’m not actually sure freshmen were invited, but I didn’t care. I just knew Bethany would be there.
The party was straight up ducksnuts. Everyone went: Jace, Flykel, Big Crunch, Sticky Flibs, Shortcake, Knobby-knees Wendy, Andrew the goth, Corey the heart, Mini Mike, even Mr. Corballis the school counselor—which was kinda r-kelly if you ask me.
All I wanted to do was talk to Bethany. But Mr. Corballis was all up in my space talking about huggin’ aliens and junk. He also kept calling the party a gathering. What a quierdo.
Then someone yelled, “Seven minutes to heaven!” And I was like, “Dank! The closet kissing game! Now I really need to find Bethany."
Strange thing, though. No one moved. They just passed out bed sheets or something. Also, Mr. Corballis started pouring juice for everyone, or maybe booze. How should I know? This was my first high school party.
Then I saw Bethany across the room. She was standing next to this trippy painting of some guy raising his hands toward the planets. She looked totes bomb-diggity, even in that sketchball bed sheet.
I kept my eyes fixed on her. I didn’t want to lose her in the packed room, especially since it was getting harder to keep people straight, what with the matching bed sheets. Toga!
I cut my way through the crowd to get to her. It was difficult with everyone holding hands and junk. Plus, I was a supes nervous thinking of what to say.
Finally, I reached her. This was it. I pushed my hair back and cleared my throat all cool. At that very moment, a bunch of SWAT dudes burst through the front door and began ordering everyone down on the ground—which was pointless because a lot of the people there were already laying motionless on the ground.
In the end, my first so-called high school party was lame. Not sure what happened to everyone, but I think Mr. Corballis is facing some pretty serious district-level disciplinary action.
Also, Bethany still has no idea who I am.