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Words by Aron Simkins      Art by Patrick/Kori Witmer
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The Big Pitch

Adman: Alright gentlemen. Imagine your beautifully designed and masterfully engineered C-class sedan parked in an ideal suburban driveway with a charming home, green lawn, peaceful sprinkler and colorful flowers in the background.

(Gives the clients a wink and a smile at the slice-of-life set up.)


Client 1: Quick question, is the sprinkler on?


Adman: Um, sure. Anyway, the commercial continues with a happy family and their adorable dog getting ready to embark on a trip in the comfort of the roomy vehicle. (Gives the clients a wink and a smile at the mention of the dog.)


Client 1: Another question. What kind of sprinkler is it? The rotary kind or one of those pop-up sprayers?


Client 2: Or the kind you have to connect to the hose?


Adman: (Scratches the back of his head) Uh… pop-up, I guess. I mean, it could be whatever, really. Getting back to the commercial. As the family loads in, we transition to an interior shot…


Client 2: You said the water was on, right? Is it culinary or irrigation?


Client 1: Ooh. Good question.


Adman: I don’t know. (Reaches for a water bottle but thinks better of it.) I’ll have our analytics team see which resonates higher with the target audience.


Client 2: What about water pressure, high or low?


Adman: Do you have a preference? (Wipes his brow) I think we’re getting a bit in the weeds…


Client 1: Who said anything about weeds? 

Adman: Not literally, sir. What I meant was...


Client 2: What if it were one of those oscillating kinds that kids like to run through? You know, the one that’s like a wave.


Adman: (Bites a knuckle on his right hand) Gentlemen… perhaps we could focus on the price point for a moment.


Client 1: I’m just not feeling it.


Client 2: Yeah. We're trying to sell cars, not sprinklers. Or have you forgotten that important detail?


Adman: (Buries face in both hands.)

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