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Snow White and the Seven TBA

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Words and art by Aron Simkins

In 1937, Walt Disney Productions produced the first full-length animated feature “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” based on the German fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm. However, in an attempt to put his own spin on the tale, Walt workshopped pairing the titular character with a variety of alternatives. Ultimately, the original won out for obvious reasons.


Snow White and the Seven Russian KGB Operatives – All was going well until Prince Charming suddenly disappeared.


Snow White and the Seven Meatballs – This one didn’t work out for plot related reasons. For starters, Snow White felt compelled to eat all seven meatballs in one sitting since the cottage lacked proper Ziplock or Tupperware storage. That, in turn, led to a severely decreased appetite, which made declining a bite of the poison apple much easier.


Snow White and the Seven Small Toddlers without any Discernible Parental Supervision – Not too different from the dwarves at a glance, but these young roommates did come with dirty nappies, late-night feedings, and the need for constant attention. They also killed any desire for motherhood Snow might have had. To make matters worse, finding a prince who wasn’t scared off by a single mother of seven proved to be a bit of a challenge.


Snow White and the Seven Feral Cats – Turns out ferocious felines and beautiful princesses don’t get along well. Additionally, every time Miss. White would sing with other woodland creatures, the cats would go on a feeding frenzy. It wasn’t pretty. 


Snow White and the Seven Footlong Subway Sandwiches – This one lacked the mustard to be anything but a feature length commercial. Not only did Snow White constantly confuse Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki with Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt, but Meatball Marinara was all over the place. Hard to make a movie under such conditions.


Snow White and the Seven Mary Three – Honestly, no one understood the reference.


Snow White and the Seven Random Pages from an Unnamed Student’s College Thesis Paper – This one was just plain boring. And not just because of the yawn-inducing research but because four of the pages were bibliography and reference sources.


Snow White and the Seven Princes from Neighboring Kingdoms – Sure, seven princes baching it up in a secluded woodland cottage has a certain reality show appeal to it. But throw a fair maiden into the mix and it quickly becomes "Elimidate" or a movie 1937 audiences weren’t quite ready for.

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