As an old, married woman, watching the younger of my species attempt to mate through the dating ritual, I felt inclined to pass on some of my hard-earned wisdom. Here are the secret meanings behind several commonly uttered phrases:

 

1. “I am really into wellness.”
What this means: There will be rules that change every month on what is and isn’t OK to eat, drink, inhale, brush up against, think about, or whisper into the wind. You poor, ignorant lamb in need of a wellness shepherd like me to protect you from the wolves of Monsanto/pharmaceuticals/the government/Will Shatner!

 

2. Phrase: “I like to cook”
Meaning: I will use the promise of delectable sustenance to lure you to my lair, where I will have googled how to boil spaghetti ten minutes before you arrive.

 

3. Phrase: “I like a natural look without a lot of makeup.”
Meaning: I saw a picture of a model and I couldn’t see their makeup, so they must not have been wearing any. Everyone is now held to this totally fair standard.

 

4. Phrase: “I am not about the drama.”
Meaning: I create enough drama to fuel most reality TV, all K-pop romances, and 3 Mexican soap operas.

 

5. Phrase: “I’m really a people person.”
Meaning 1: When I left my house to buy groceries this month, I was nice to the cashier, so I’m a people person.

Meaning 2: I will flirt with your friends.

 

6. Phrase: “I like someone mature, handsome, and funny. Kind of like Mark Ruffalo.”

Meaning: “I want to date Mark Ruffalo, can you be Mark Ruffalo now?”

 

7. Phrase: “I don’t like social media”
Meaning: I checked all my accounts 7 times in the last 30 seconds. I twitch when I can’t look at updates within 1.3 seconds. I want to stop but I don’t know how. I HATE AND LOVE IT LIKE I HATE AND LOVE MYSELF, IS THERE NO RELEASE IN THIS LIFE OR—hang on—someone commented on my post about not liking social media.

 

8. Phrase: “I’m kind of mysterious”
Meaning: I am actually 3 kids in a trench coat wearing sunglasses.

 

9. Phrase: “I like nice guys/girls”
Meaning: I’m over my Hannibal Lecter phase and ready to settle down.