Words by Aron Simkins Art by Trevor Wirth
Robert De Niro's Cooking Italian
7:38 – Robert De Niro throws on an apron and orders Alexa to play Bananarama’s “Robert De Niro’s Waiting” on repeat. Alexa responds with directions to Banana Republic in Lansing, Michigan. Robert De Niro mutters something in Italian.
7:39: Robert De Niro begins slowly stiring a delicious Neapolitan Ragu sauce on the stove. He briefly stops to sing “Robert De Niro’s waiting, talking Italian...” into his wooden spoon as if it were a microphone.
7:40 – Robert De Niro leaves the sauce to simmer and opens the fridge in search of the prosciutto. He immediately remembers his wife used the last of it the night before. Robert De Niro begrudgingly grabs the salami, grumbling in Italian.
7:41 – Robert De Niro begins cutting thick slices of salami on the cutting board. He stops briefly to sing “Robert De Niro’s waiting, talking Italian...” into his knife as if it were a microphone.
7:42 – Robert De Niro goes to the food pantry for the bottle of balsamic vinaigrette. It’s gone. His wife had put it back empty. Robert De Niro starts cussing in Italian.
7:43 – Robert De Niro’s eyes suddenly light up at the thought of the fresh-picked cherry tomatoes and arugula with a creamy Italian dressing to pair with his pasta. He does a smooth dance step across the kitchen floor while singing, “Robert De Niro’s waiting, talking Italian...”
7:44 – Robert De Niro returns to the fridge. His face turns a blistering shade of furious when he discovers only a full bottle of disgusting Hidden Valley Ranch. Robert De Niro immediately begins yelling in Italian.