[Found in Amazon Book reviews]

 

@SaltedMouseketeer reviewing Peter Pan by James M. Barrie:

2/5 stars

Have you heard of this piece of classical literature? It certainly is a piece of something. I must not understand what “classic literature” means exactly; but in this case, it seems to imply taking great movies and turning them into awful books. One such example is "Peter Pan"—the classic Disney film. I guess this guy, Barrie, thought he’d put his unneeded spin on the Neverland tale and turn it into something that never should have landed in my lap. Honestly, I couldn’t even finish it. I mean, my popcorn hadn’t even finished in the microwave before I completely lost attention. And by the time the butter had drizzled into all the pieces, I’d already sent the book flying into the trash.

That’s a hard pass for me.

 

@SaltedMouseketeer reviewing The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen:

3/5 stars

I can’t believe a story so masterfully told as “The Little Mermaid” could warrant someone else thinking they needed to take a stab at a rewrite. For reals? This guy, Hans, should have left the storytelling to the pros at Disney. My little daughter would be so enraged by Mr. Andersen’s dark, twisted tale, she’d probably feel it was her duty to write a scathing review and warn others of this travesty. But I don’t have a daughter. I have a cat. What’s worse, it would seem good ‘ol Hans somehow coerced the publisher into saying his story was written in the 1800s. Pretty fishy if you ask me. I mean, Disney wasn’t even making movies then, so… nice try Hans, if that’s even your real name. Anyway, I tried to give the book a fair shake. I even sat down with a bowl of fresh popcorn, dimmed the lights and was prepared to settle in for an evening of reading. But I was so upset; I startled my cat, who then knocked over the popcorn, which caused me to hurl the book into trash and put the movie on. I’d gladly give up my voice to never read that again.

 

@SaltedMouseketeer reviewing The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling:

1/5 stars

First off, what a weird pen name. Does this Rudyard jerk even know what century it is? In all honesty, I thought his book actually stayed pretty true to the original Disney masterpiece—at least by title. There were certainly a few changes that threw me off, though, such as the absence of the Bear Necessities song. What’s that all about? Anyway, those not-so-subtle changes aside, I’m pretty certain this imposter book would have been adequate, if not decent, had I finished it. But, I didn’t. Mostly because the popcorn I was munching made the pages greasy and unreadable. Also, because I started watching the movie instead. I even popped myself a new bag of corn right at the part when the orangutan offers the boy two bananas. It was a good night. Ultimately, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to enjoy a movie in book form anyway.