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7 Surefire Signs It's Time to Quit Your Family's Thanksgiving

Words by Kara Clark      Art by Aron Simkins
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1.  Uncle Serif brings his fifth new girlfriend in as many years. She is neither polite, nor dressed sufficiently to star in a subpar X-rated film. She has a penchant for lipstick reapplication and a voracious appetite for your upper thigh.


2.  Mayonnaise. So much mayonnaise in all the things. Despite what your grandmother insists upon, a mayo-tini is neither classy, nor tasty—regardless of whether shaken or stirred.


3.  The entire family is still playing Pass the Cranberry, notwithstanding your protests regarding the inappropriate nature of continually and purposely coming neck to neck with all of your closest relatives.


4.  Traveling.


5.  The gratitude circle. Between the overly earnest weepy chapters from your mother and the not-so-subtly disguised attacks concerning your “regrettable” life choices from pops, it’s a tradition that can thankfully die with you.


6.  The Black Friday cockup wherein you’re forced to abandon your last shred of morality and pretend Aunt Silvia is in a wheelchair to ensure first pick of the Cat Sounds Therapy CDs.


7.  The meat-making marathon that inevitably includes your otherwise respectable grandfather’s jokes about how to stuff a turkey. It’s just not worth it. Call an Arby’s, get your poultry-free sub delivered via GrubHub and call it a day. At home. In your underwear.

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