Back in the day, I was known to cut a mean rug. In fact, whenever the circle formed on the dance floor, it didn’t take long to find me right in the middle, putting on a crowd-pleasing show. Little did I know that many of my moves would become immortalized as the origin for countless memes. Here are some of my greatest hits.

 

The “Sexy Fireman”

This move was a high school favorite at homecoming and prom. It even proved to be a timeless hit decades later when I resurrected it at my 20-year reunion. The dance step essentially consists of a sexy spin followed by forcefully unloading a mouthful of water into the face of your unsuspecting dance partner. It’s been the inspiration for countless spit-take videos and firemen calendars ever since.

 

The “Ice Bucket Bass Drop”

From the very first time I debuted this wedding favorite, I never dreamed it would become the cause-supporting video challenge it is today. Basically, this move involves a gentle sway-step from side to side as the beat builds. Then, right before that climactic moment when the bass drops, grab the punch bowl, hoist it over the mother of the bride’s head and soak her. Talk about bring the house down.

 

The “Pretty in Plank”

Sometimes the smoothest dance moves are the ones where you don’t move at all. This infamous step is one of those. To do it, simply collapse face down on the dance floor and lay as still as possible with your hands at your sides. There’s no requirement for when, where or how long to do it. This became a go-to move for me at several well-catered parties, if you know what I mean. In fact, I once did this move for nearly an hour in the parking lot outside a club. When I finally came to, a lot of people had formed a circle around me. It was magical. Imagine my surprise when I found out everyone was doing their version of it years later.

 

The “Shirtless Putin”

Honestly, this move was the result of a little creative riffing while at my best friend’s sister’s backyard sweet-sixteen party. At the time, I felt the party vibe had reached a point where taking my shirt off seemed like the right thing to do. Also, my best friend’s dog looked big enough to ride. And just like that, a killer new dance move was born by putin’ the two together. All it took was one Russian on a bear to steal my thunder.

 

The “I Love Couch”

Another secret to crafting a slick dance move is to show up to parties unannounced and workshop avant-garde ideas. One such instance was my ex-girlfriend, Darlene, and ex-best friend, Kevin’s wedding dinner where I officially introduced the “I love couch” dance. Obviously, you need a couch for this one. But what really brings it to life is to perform it during an unconventional dance song. I chose the song Darlene danced to with her dad, who I might add was not at all pleased to see me. Anyway, all you have to do is move the couch as inconspicuously as possible onto the dance floor to share the spotlight, and then jump gracelessly up and down in no apparent rhythmic fashion. The trick is to let gravity do most of the work. I even ad libbed an “I love Darlene” rap on the spot that seemed to elicit some sort of standing ovation, but you can do what feels right to you. Years later, I saw Tom Cruise rip it off on Oprah. Where’s my credit, man?