My Diet in a Nutshell
Words by Aron Simkins Art by Erik Dewaal
7:25am – Breakfast at the clubhouse: Nuts benedict with hollandaise nut sauce. Half a toasted nut topped with a whipped mixed-nut smear. Glass of freshly-squeezed nuts.
10:35am – Power snack: Trail mix, no M&Ms or raisins. Just nuts.
12:15pm – Lunch with Eric and Samantha from accounts payable: Waldorf salad with fresh walnuts, pecans and more walnuts, dressed in nuts and served on a bed of nuts. Side of fried nut-battered nuts. I indulge. It’s my cheat day.
2:20pm – Afternoon nut with Madam L´ecrou, gallery curator: Hot cup of nut served with donuts. I pass on the donuts, even though it’s my cheat day.
4:45pm – Office birthday celebration: Nut cake with creamy coconut frosting and nut-cold almond milk. I eat two pieces on account of the nut salad at lunch.
7:45pm – Dinner at upscale bistro with boss: Braised nut confit in a light nut reduction. Paired with a bottle of nut-aged, full-bodied Cabernut Sesamignon with a delicate bouquet of nut. I accidently spilled a little on my nuts. Embarrassing.
11:10 – Meet up for nut shots with the guys. I refrain. I’m driving.
12:25am – Feeling a bit bloated and rashy. Probably nut poisoning or my nut allergy. No way to tell. I hate nuts.