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My Day in a Nutshell

Words by Aron Simkins      Art by Erik Dewaal
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6:15am – I hit the snooze on my alarm nut. The extra couple minuts of sleep feel good even though my lower back aches and my left foot’s asleep. Probably from my ratty, old nuttress. I’ve been meaning to replace it.


6:25am – I finally get up. Slept on the top nut of my bunk nuts because of the sweet fort I made on the bottom nut. I accidentally slip down the ladder on account of my foot being asleep.


7:15am – Head to the local gymnutium to meet up with my trainer. She’s a bit of a health nut, but boy does she know nutrition. She convinces me to nut up and go twice as hard since I skipped leg day to build my fort.


9:00am – Stroll into work for another dull day at the office. My supervisor’s a bit of a nutcracker, so I try and duck past his desk on my way in.


11:25am – Another fundraiser gets passed around. This time Carol’s kid. Cinnamon-glazed walnuts. I begrudgingly shell out a couple bucks.


2:30pm – Step into a meeting with Patty and Linus from pecanchasing, Schroder and Marcie from anutlytics, Lucy from acorns receivable and Chuck from marknutting. They’re all nut jobs, if you ask me.


5:10pm – Leave work early to meet my girlfriend and her parents for dinner. Should be interesting. Her dad’s the stuffy macadamia type. Her mom’s a mixed bag, sometimes sweet, sometimes salty.


8:25pm – Say goodnight to my girlfriend and finally head home. But first I pick up a deep-dish nut and an old Clint Eastwood flick. I'm a huge fan of spagnutty westerns.


11:47pm – Laying uncomfortably on the top bunk nut. Might be the old nuttress that still needs replacing or the bloated, rashy feeling I get from my nut allergy. Can’t be sure which. Either way, I hate nuts. And I’m not wrecking that fort, ever.

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