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Words by Aron Simkins
Art by Patrick Witmer

To whom it may concern,


I regret to inform you that your services will no longer be needed. While I appreciate the care you’ve demonstrated over the years, I believe it’s time to expand my horizons and explore new roads. As a professional courtesy, I’d be grateful if you continued to make monthly deposits on my prepaid debit card. Life out of your basement is surprisingly expensive, and pizza rolls and the new PlayStation 5 don’t pay for themselves.



Your son

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