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Man with Record Video Game Wins Still Single

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Words by Jon Baty      Art by Curtis Allen

Glendale, CA – In this modern day and age, the true test of a champion is whether or not he has collected the most exclusive vinyl toys, and if he can maintain a high win count in the popular online game, ForkKnife. Curt Carfelt has done both, and yet he still can’t find anyone to date him.


“It doesn’t make any sense,” Carfelt says. “I have over 3,000 kills in ForkKnife; I can sticky bomb like a champ, snipe a headshot while jumping, and build elaborate fortresses, and still no fine woman wants to get all up in this.”


Carfelt, who also goes by his gamer name, “DeezBishes69”, has been celebrated by many of the elite online gaming message boards, including


“He’s an effing hero, if you’ll excuse the language,” says Stan Rickenshaw, one of GamersWinRecords board moderators—also known as KingMidas17 in the gaming world. “He’s done things most gamers only dream of. And that’s all they dream about. That and dating actual women.”


“I swipe right on so many of these tight ladies,” Carfelt skypes to his loyal fanbase of 23 followers. “Who wouldn’t want to hook up with DeezBishes69? Every member of my squad thinks I’m at the high end of a 7, looks wise.”


At the end of the day, Carfelt remains positive.


“I know it’ll happen,” Carfelt says with a tear in his eye. “Until then, I can continue beating these fourth graders in the ForkKnife game. You gots to learn skills, son.”

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