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Hands-down Top-Five Worst Disneyland Rides

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Words by Ben Farmer     Art by Andrew Hackett

5.  Space Mountain. I can almost hear the gasp of righteous indignation that this ride be included on the list. But hear me out. It’s earned a spot in the top-five simply because of the hype. I mean, really? A roller coaster in the dark? Not too original. Add in the fact that this ride is probably the farthest you can possibly be from the delicious Blue Milk served at the Milk Stand in Galaxy’s Edge without going into the parking lot, and you’ve got yourself one helluva hike ahead of you afterwards.


4.  Splash Mountain. Have I told you I HATE getting my feet wet? I also don’t love how Disney turns a blind eye to the subtle racism featured in this ride. But those two points are easily overlooked compared to the fact that, every time it’s my turn to board, the overly observant cast member reminds me that I can’t take either of my delicious, six-ounce-cups of Galaxy’s Edge Blue Milk on the ride with me. That’s $18 worth of Blue Milk wasted. And for what? Five minutes of animatronic animals and a plunge into the briar patch? Come on.


3.  Star Tours. Sure, let’s make people feel like their flying through nausea-inducing space—only they’re not! Great idea, said no one, ever. And let’s not overlook the fact that, while I was waiting in line, that little butterbean-of-a-boy with the R2-D2 mouse ears intentionally knocked my sweet cup of Galaxy’s Edge Blue Milk out of my hand and spilled it all over the fanny pack where I kept my extra cup of Galaxy’s Edge Blue Milk. Now they’re both ruined. And so was this ride. Perhaps a churro would make things better? I doubt it.


2.  Peter Pan. This ride makes the list simply for the fact that the line for this Neverland adventure is never-ending. And to make it even worse, if you get out of line to make a quick run to the Milk Stand in Galaxy’s Edge for a cold, sweet cup of lip-smacking Blue Milk, people tend to be rather persnickety about giving you your place back when you return. Even if you offer to give them a little sip. People are the worst, and so is this ride. Second worst, that is.


1.  Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Blugh! Need I say more? Okay, fine; I will. I waited in line for five whole minutes. I mean, the person in front of me must have had at least two kids. And each of them had plenty of ridiculous, time-consuming requests that made the wait seem even longer. When it was finally my turn, all that was left was the Green Milk—unless I was willing to wait another five minutes for a new batch of the succulent Blue variety to be ready. Which, of course, I was. By the time I finally got my delicious cup of Galaxy’s Edge Blue Milk, my family had already gone on the teacups without me. Whatever.

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