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Corleone Family Yard Sale

Words by Aron Simkins

Not everything stays in the family. So, if you like what you see, make us an offer we can’t refuse.


For Sale:

Leather Gloves – These beauties are perfect for doing glove stuff, like driving; gardening; dumping large, weighted bags in the East River. How should I know? It’s your life.

$2.00 and a favor.

Double Breasted Suit, Slightly Worn – Demands respect. Unless, of course, you let that respect go to your head and make a few careless business transactions that end up costing you the very suit off your back. But you’re not going to make that mistake, are you? Anyway, patch the holes and, ba-da-bing, good as new. $25.


Several Used C batteries and Complimentary Burlap Sack – No one ever got their point across with Double-A. By the way, the batteries are dead, but that shouldn’t matter.

$3.00, no returns.


Chef Boyardee Lunchbox – One day they’re cute little bambinos, running around in their own world. Next day they’re grown up, ordering hits and stuff. Comes with matching thermos. $3.00


Horse Head – It’s not what you think. Life ain’t the movies. But seriously, we need to get rid of this thing before it starts stinking. Just take it. No questions asked.


Several Slightly Dented Door Knobs and Complimentary Burlap Sack ­– Perfect for your next remodel. Just remember to remodel it hard enough that it won’t forget again. $4.00, no returns.


Vacuum used by Tony Danza to clean curtains in opening of “Who’s the Boss?” – Just like the TV show, this little slice of ‘80s memorabilia really sucks. Seriously though, I never bought the former ball player story. That Micelli was a snitch. $5.00

Opened Bag of Quickset Concrete – We used half of it already. Whatcha gonna do bout it? Works great. No complaints, if you know what I mean. $6.00.


Several Slightly Bruised Valencia Oranges and Complimentary Burlap Sack – Wives and kids love oranges. And oranges love reminding wives and kids to never ask about your business. $3.00, no returns.


Brendan Fraser’s Career – Honestly, we ain’t sure what to do with it. We were kinda hoping you would. Maybe use it as a back stop for your softball team or something, geez.


Brendan Fraser – Just take him.

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