Words by Aron Simkins Art by Patrick Witmer
Realtor: Aren’t you two the cutest couple. How long y’all been married?
Wife: Just under a year.
Husband: Feels like longer.
Realtor: Well, I’m just tickled pink y’all chose me as your realtor. I have a question for ya, though. I noticed you have a specific requirement you’re looking for in your new home.
Wife: We want a box.
Realtor: Yes. That was it. I just want to make sure I’m clear-as-water as to what that means exactly.
Wife: Oh, you know—the typical…
Husband: None of that fancy box stuff. We’re on a budget.
Realtor: Okay. Just another question then. Could you, perhaps, describe what features ya’ll are looking for?
Wife: I guess four sides. 90-degree angles. Parallel lines.
Husband: An opening to get out.
Realtor: Ha. Seems like you’re describing an actual box, box.
Wife: Ooh, that sounds nice.
Husband: Sounds expensive.
Realtor: You aren’t kidding. Well, uh, think I have some boxes I could show you.
Wife: Anything in cardboard would be lovely.
Husband: Or maybe mime.
Realtor: I apologize if I seem a bit out of sorts. I’m just not entirely sure where we keep our, uh, box portfolio. Probably in a box in the back.
Wife: You have boxes in the back?
Realtor: Um, yes. But they’re all bankers boxes.
Husband: Well, I’m no banker.
Realtor: Heh. What I mean is, I’m sure they’re not right for you.
Wife: Listen. Just because my husband isn’t the financial type…
Realtor: Oh, no. I just meant they’re small boxes. You probably wouldn’t fit comfortably...
Husband: Now hold on. The teeter may totter in my wife’s favor but fitting-in is something she does remarkably well.
Wife: Excuse me?