Words by Simon Styles Art by Kell Padget
Big Barney's Burger Barn
Good evening. My name is Rutherford Altringham and I will be your server. May I start you with a selection from our… Pardon?
Why yes, you do detect an English accent. What a keen ear you must have. I hail from Barnsley, South Yorkshire. I don’t wish to over-egg the pudding, but it’s quite…
No, I’m afraid it’s not ‘by where the Queen lives.’ Carrying on, then. May I interest you in a lovely assortment of…
Right. A Diet Coke for the lady. Will diet Pepsi suffice? It will not? I do apologize for the inconvenience. Water it…
Of course, with a lemon. And for you sir? Ah, the Big Barney Gulp’n Guzzle. How discreet. Going quids in, I see. And for the children…
Dear me! Everyone speaking at once. Alright, root beer it is for the little lords and lady. May I also interest you in a scrumptious starter? Perhaps a crisp, julienned cucumber delicately coated in a flakey…
Why, yes. They are indeed fried pickles. Hardly a wally at this table. A right bunch of clever dicks…
No, no. Do pardon the expression. I meant no insult. Shall we move to the main selections? Today’s specials include…
Oh, you’re ready to order now. By all means, please proceed whilst I take note.
Okay, for the mister I have one Big Barney with bacon, a side of jalapeño cheddar wedges and a marshmallow choco-fluff with extra cherryberry chumble. And for the missus, a Big Barney Deluxe, also with jalapeño cheddar wedges, and a super-duper cookie colossus. And who could forget, the young lads and lass who’d like three Junior Barney Mega Munchers, three orders of potato pegs and a fudge-coated rooster tail to… Beg your pardon?
Why, yes. The kids’ meals do come with the latest costumed-hero toy and…
No, it shan’t be any trouble to see that the little lady receives something other than what we’re currently offering.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s my turn to retrieve the Big Barney Birthday Booster and join my fellow Big Barney mates in reciting a whimsical birthday rap to the distinguished bloke with the napkin tucked ever so delicately into his singlet.