Ask Debbie: Help! I Love Taffy, but the Taffy Industry Killed My Dad!

 

Dear Debbie,

 

I love Taffy. I love most of the taffy flavors, except for the black licorice flavor. (I don’t feel like candy should try to be a different kind of candy. Be yourself, candy!) I love taffy so much that I named my pet chinchilla “Taffington Q. Taffymeister XIII.” I say this only to make it abundantly clear that taffy is the best soft food of all of the soft foods, including mashed potatoes with gravy and shredded cheese with chives.

 

For most of my life, taffy has been my friend, my confidant, and my preferred source of nourishment. However, last week I had a powerful epiphany that has changed the way I see, experience, and even taste taffy.

 

I lost my dad when I was 10 years old. He was a taffy hobbyist who spent hours in his secret taffy laboratory in the back room of the Foot Locker where he worked. His dream was to create a kind of taffy that didn’t need salt water to be made. One day he found me while I was shaving and said, “I did it! I did the thing that I wanted to do!” That was the last conversation we ever had. Later, a man wearing a shirt that said “Taffy Company” on it killed him.

 

Like I said, I didn’t make the connection until last week, but now I am convinced that Big Taffy killed my dad to keep him quiet about his new taffy-making methods.

 

What should I do? Should I keep eating Taffy?

 

-Tallahassee Taffy Fan

 

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Dear Fan.

 

Conspiracy-based murders unfortunately come up a lot in my line of work. I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who asks a similar question. Seek revenge at all costs, but don’t stop doing what you love.

 

-Debbie