Words by Ryan Croker
Ask Debbie: Help! My Wife is the Reincarnation of Attila the Hun and Someone Who Hates Pizza!
Recently, my wife of seventeen years revealed to me that, in a former life, she slaughtered thousands of innocents and ravaged the civilized world as Attila the Hun. This has been quite the shock to me and her constant complaining about being defeated at the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains has made our traditional evening games of Jenga decidedly unpleasant. As bad as this is, however, it does not compare to knowing that my wife is also the reincarnation of someone who hated pizza!
How could you not like pizza? It is a delicious food that has pleased people around the world for more than a century. Pizza is a combination of crust, cheese, and sauce that tastes great in a number of social situations. Pizza is the perfect food for a poker night with your friends or a child’s birthday party. Pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms is probably the best pizza of all.
In my wife’s previous life, she didn’t understand any of the good things about pizza. She didn’t anticipate the melted cheese contacting the roof of her mouth. She didn’t discuss the difference between Chicago-style and New York-style pizza with her landlord like most pizza lovers do.
This is driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do and I am contemplating divorce.
-Struggling in Tampa
I completely understand what you are going through. Pizza is indeed a food that everyone can and should love. Unfortunately, I don’t see an easy way for you to get through this situation. You can’t ignore your wife’s previous life’s pizza-hating ways. Nor can you pretend it isn’t an issue. My recommendation is that you invent some kind of time-travel device that will allow you to visit her prior incarnation. Once you have mastered that, I suggest you bake a delicious, Detroit-style pie with bacon and roasted red peppers. Her past self won’t be able to resist that! Hope this helps