Words by Jon Baty Art by Aron Simkins
Advice from Bob & Steve
Robert Smith, lead singer of the Cure, and Steven Patrick Morrissey, lead singer of The Smiths, have taken it upon themselves to help those in need by starting their own advice column. Both recently graduated with counseling degrees from the University of Phoenix.
Q: I’m a 32-year-old male and recently divorced. I have no idea how to date in this modern age. What’s the best way to start dating again?
Bob: Women love surprises. I like to wear black velvet and sit in the corner of an all-black room and when someone comes along, I whisper to them, “the spider man is having me for dinner tonight,” and then I hand them a dead rose. I’ve never not had no success with that tactic. Or you could try Tinder.
Steve: Throw flowers at them, preferably gladioli. Hide yourself in a hedge, but only when it’s raining. The heart wants what the heart wants. I find the best way to love someone is to drive with them in their car and hope that we have a deadly accident with a bus or a truck. Doesn’t that just sound heavenly?
Q: I’ve been sick for the past month. Do you have any home remedies for overcoming the flu?
Bob: Oh, I’ve waited hours for this… question. There are times when I am so sick, I just stay asleep all day. Here’s what I would do: dress all in black, pull your eyes out, hold your breath and start convulsing. If that doesn’t seem to work, keep your face safe and clean, and lay your head on a door.
Steve: It’s hard to be sick and ill. When I’m sick, I sit alone, reading and thinking, “how could anybody possibly know how I feel?” I’ve been so sick, that it feels like my face has been dragged in fifteen miles of feces. Usually what I do is pour some greased tea for me. Am I still ill? Then I must find someone to kiss under a bridge, preferably metal, until my lips hurt.
Q: What’s your ideal vacation?
Bob: Anywhere there is a beach that you can stand on and hold a gun… and wear black.
Steve: Ugh. There’s so much destruction all over the world. What difference does it make? The world is full of crashing bores.
Q: How do I deal with losing friends?
Bob: I like to wear all black and have a funeral for each friend that has decided to not hang around me. Usually, I will light candles, sit in the dark, and play a recording of cats’ meowing, on my Victrola. I also find it delightful to look up at the black sky (preferably in the rain) and hiss.
Steve: I’ve never had any friends.
Q: I have had some pretty frightening dreams lately. What’s the craziest dream you’ve had and how did you get over it?
Bob: Oh, I have so many dreams, where I am wearing all black. One time I had this dream that I was running and I exploded as I passed a female werewolf. It was so lovely. Then I had one where I was a Japanese infant who kissed people under water. The best way for me to get those dreams out of my head was to take a walk.
Steve: Last night I dreamt that somebody loved meat. It was the worst dream I have ever had. I merely just fell back asleep and tried to dream about love, because that’s the closest I will get to love.
Q: Who’s the biggest music nerd you have ever heard of?
Bob: Jon Baty… in all black.
Steve: Jon Baty, for sure. He expects everyone to know lyrics to fancy-lad songs and then laugh about them. He’s disgusting really. I may have forgiven Jesus, but I will never forgive Jon.