7 Minutes in Heaven, Literally
Words by Jon Baty Art by Kell Padget
—Hi, welcome to Heaven. I’m Scott. I’m an enrollment counselor here, so my job is to just make sure we have all our t’s crossed and our i’s dotted. Mmm’kay?
—Sounds great, Scott. I have to tell you. It is a lot more beautiful here than I imagined.
—I know, right? You think it’s just clouds and gold gates, but we have all these trees and mountains and stars… everyone wears these dope white jumpers. There’s a definite reason why they call it “Heaven.” I really think you’re going to love it here.
—Well, it feels fantastic, already. Perfect temperature and everything. Glad I didn’t go to the “other place”. Ha ha.
—You probably won’t be surprised to hear this, but you’re not the first to make that joke.
—Oh, I’m sure. Hey, is that Cardi B over in the next cubicle?
—You mean Belcalis? Yep, that’s our little celebrity in the enrollment office. We were so excited when she wanted to come work here. I mean wrrrrrrk here. I have a hard time saying that. Wrrrrk…. Skrrrrrt… yeet. I’ll get hip one day.
—Well, that’s something I’ve never even tried. Being hip, that is. That is so weird to see Cardi B here! As an angel!
—I’m sure it is. Okay, let’s get this paperwork filled out. Just pulling up the program now. How did you die, by the way?
—Ooh… bet that was fun.
—Yeah, you could say that. Haha. I was just walking into the bathroom and boom! Dead.
—That’s usually how it goes.
—Yep, just getting ready to “use the facilities” … pants are down… Then I get this feeling in my chest and BAM. Slumped over on the old “toilette.” It was the craziest thing. Head goes right in the hole. Next thing, I’m floating up above myself and I see the light and then… here I am.
—Here you are. Okay, just waiting for the screen to load. You’d think in Heaven we would get better internet, but that’s what you get for using Time Warner. Annnnnnnd there we go. Alright, what’s your full legal name?
—Sean Patrick Hannity
—Wait… from Fox News?
—Guilty as charged. Ha ha.
—You can go to Hell.